Becoming parents is a deeply transformative moment for any family. While some couples go through it naturally, many others face major crises. It has nothing to do with whether both partners are happy about the arrival of a child, but rather with the fact that the dynamics, responsibilities and priorities between them change. In fact, many people may experience this stage as a form of grief.
Having less time for yourselves, changes in intimacy, physical and emotional exhaustion, and the need to redefine your identity as a couple presents a real challenge, creating the feeling that something very important has been lost: the relationship you had before having children. Some people experience this as a symbolic grief because their dynamic has changed permanently and will never be the same again.
The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not all of them are necessarily experienced, nor in this order. Although these stages originally refer to the loss of a loved one, they can also apply to other types of loss. So, how does this translate into a relationship? Some, for example, refuse to acknowledge that their dynamic has changed and get frustrated because they want to do the same activities as before, which creates tension between them. This frustration can lead to feelings of anger. Others, on the other hand, try to negotiate and find a new balance. Those who cannot reconcile may fall into great emotional pain, which is the depression stage. Finally, the moment of acceptance arrives, where they can begin to recognize and adapt to the new reality, learning to live with the changes and finding new ways to connect.
The first step in dealing with this symbolic grief is to accept that it is natural to experience sadness. Regardless of the deep love you have for your baby, it is normal to miss who you were before parenthood, as well as to feel overwhelmed by the changes this new stage brings. Allow yourself to recognize the nostalgia for what was and talk openly with your partner. This will create a space for empathy, mutual understanding and emotional support.
Once we recognize how we feel and accept that things cannot be the way they were before, it’s necessary to set realistic expectations about what can be done and how we will manage family life to avoid unnecessary frustrations and arguments. It is a fact that you will have less time for yourselves, but that doesn’t mean it has to disappear completely. It’s crucial to find space for the two of you. It doesn’t have to be something big; the important thing is to maintain a bridge of communication and connection, like ordering a pizza after the baby goes to sleep to talk quietly.
Physical and emotional exhaustion can increase stress in the relationship. Make sure both of you are involved in taking care of the baby and household tasks. Don’t assume your partner knows what you feel or need. If you need support, ask for it. Another way to work as a team could be giving each other time apart: Let your partner sleep in on Sunday while you take care of the baby in the morning. Another day, ask your partner to take care of the baby while you go get a haircut. Even if you’re not together, these moments also generate empathy, emotional support and connection between you.
Despite the challenges, enjoy together the amazing moments that the arrival of a child also brings. One way to strengthen the relationship and build a new identity is by creating rituals that involve all family members. These shared moments help ensure that the interaction isn’t limited to just the mom with the baby or the dad with the baby, but instead reinforces a sense of belonging and unity, creating a stronger bond between everyone.
Grieving the Previous Relationship is a real emotional challenge many parents face, but it can also be a step toward embracing the new family identity. The key is to be honest and kind with ourselves and with each other during this transition process. Through open communication, mutual support and a willingness to work as a team, it is possible to create a new connection as partners and as a family. In the end, what you gain is much larger and deeper than what you leave behind.
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Tere Medina
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